Archive for April 2009
I like fake Middle English. It can really liven up dull conversations.
KING: ” Squire! ‘Tis it so? “
SQUIRE: ” ‘Tit is, sire, ‘tit is! “
KING: ” Ah… ‘tit is.”
I also, at this moment, really desire an Xbox 360. ‘Twould be grand, indeed, it would.
I was having a bit of an argument with some friends of mine concerning DVDs and their aspect ratios. The reason for this debate was that Friend A had brought me Casino Royal on DVD, but in full frame. I thought about it for a second, then told Friend A to keep it. Around this time, Friend B walked up and took Friend A’s side in the ensuing argument. They argued that for 4:3 TV’s, full frame was better to which I added that I have a 16:9 external display. I stated further that even on a standard television, I would prefer the full picture and not one with slices taken from it. A lot of people don’t seem to understand that widescreen does not add black bars to the side of your screen, that, in fact, you are getting more information. Friends A and B claimed that the loss of picture on either side was not that big a deal when I’m borrowing a free DVD. But James Bond’s elbows mean a lot to me! I decided to rent the movie from Blockbuster instead. This sort of thing happens a lot with Friend B, who frequently expresses his “good enough for me” views on thing, (he is a Windows user). Either way, if I want an epic movie experience, I want to experience all of the movie.
I’d love to get in one of those shoddy new Microsoft Commercials so I could whore myself out by using their money to buy a Windows notebook from somewhere with a nice return policy (you may see where I am going with this). After I get my money and craptop, I go back to the store and return it for cash, swiftly going to GameStop and purchasing an Xbox 360. After some calculations, if I got the same bull-crap $1,500 Vaio that Lisa and Jackson got, I could buy…
- A used Xbox 360 Pro 60GB (~$200)
- 3 Wireless controllers ($111 on Amazon)
- The Orange Box ($20)
- Left 4 Dead ($55-$40)
- Fallout 3 ($60-$50)
- Call of Duty 4 and/or 5 ($50 or $110)
- Gears of War 2 ($60-$50)
- Halo 3 ($60-$50)
- Fable 2 ($50-$40)
- Bioshock ($24)
- Oblivion ($28)
- 13 Months of Xbox Live Gold ($50)
- Cooling System ($30)
- A dinner at Texas de Brazil ($50)
- A new crash cymbal ($350-250)
- $50 of iTunes credit
- Logitech diNovo Keyboard ($88)
- 16 GB Flash drive ($33)
- A Quizno’s Sandwich ($5)
- Tax ($125.71)
So at $1,484.71, (taking the mean for price ranges), I end up with quite a haul and about $15 left over instead of a crummy Sony laptop. I could even release a taunting YouTube video after my commercial had aired declaring both my dominance over the stuffed shirts at Microsoft and my affinity for Macs. Now that’s what I call a bargain.
I just got back from school, where I got second place in our engineering department’s Easter Egg Hunt. The prize was a box of “toasted marshmallow eggs,” you know, the kind with annoyingly cute pictures of bunnies with captions on them like “I can’t stop the adorable” and “I’m not spoiled. I deserve all my stuff.” The first prize that I didn’t win was a $25 Visa gift card. Crap. Either way, it was a lot of fun, and I even found a stray cat in the bushes during my search. No, I did not keep or eat it.
Okay, so I’ve got Max Brooks’ excellent Zombie Survival Guide and I’ve been forming my own plan for post-zombie-apocalyptic survival. Basing my strategy off of his ideas and my own research, I’ve come up with what I believe is the optimal course of action for withstanding, and, perhaps, defeating the undead.
- A Dirigible
The best method of travel in a zombie outbreak. As Brooks says, “they combine the longevity of a ballon with the mobility and all-terrain landing ability of a helicopter” (119). My enormous airship will be filled to the brim with my other supplies. EDIT: I would name it Roxanne.
- A Crew
This includes a pilot, a navigator, a medic, a chef, and a fellow combat specialist. Of course, all will be well trained in zombie fighting techniques and will be valuable assets in an attack. A mix of male and female will ensure insurance against the annihilation of the human race. Good genes are a must.
- At least 6 months worth of food and water
Water will be stored in tanks and bottles, and there will be a purifier on board, in addition to a rain collecting device. Due to its combined durability, taste, ease of preparation, and low cost, there will be a large supply of ramen noodles on board, in various flavors. It, however, will not be our primary source of nourishment, while it will be a staple; we will have a hydroponic garden aboard, as well as other easily concoctable niceties.
While we plan to stay in the air for the majority of the outbreak, we may require to land due to various needs such as supplies, rescue, or attack. Therefore, an effective arsenal is necessary. Each member of my six-person crew (including myself) will have a semiautomatic rifle, a handgun, a shotgun, and a melee weapon. Furthermore, we will have 3 sniper rifles on board for fly-by shootings. The specification of each warrior’s tool will vary, though good choices for hand-to-hand combat include crowbars, katanas, and machetes.
What good is a gun without bullets? We’ll need enough for our long journey, which, in the worst case, could last a year or more.
- First aid supplies, etc.
While a blimp can stay airborne without consuming gas and is very fuel efficient when in motion, this is a must. If we are to have control of our destination, we’ll need a way to power the fans. But because it is a finite resource, I have an alternative. A Gilligan’s Island style bamboo bicycle for generating electricity. And, yes, it does have to be bamboo.
And lots of it. Studies will show that music reduces the stress of the end of the world by at least %60! (Sure, the studies don’t exist yet, but I’m confident that my numbers will agree with these future findings). Headphones will be useful, but not necessary. The usual threat of the Jonas Brothers will be eliminated by my unusually tough screening process. The storage media for the aural pacifier will include CD, vinyl, and Digital Audio that will be stored on . . .
My Macbook Pro. From tracking our location to calculations to World of Goo, my laptop will prove invaluable in the air. As stated earlier, electricity comes from a rechargeable battery connected to our bamboo bicycle.
- Duct Tape
Perhaps the most important item on the ship, duct tape can solve practically any problem. Not only will it be able to patch holes in the pipes and balloon, this magical invention can affix makeshift bayonets to our guns and work, in a pinch, as a bandage. Several rolls will be necessary.
Now that I have my list of supplies laid out, I only need a plan of survival. Luckily, it is rather simple, yet mildly expensive. But during the apocalypse, price is no object.
- Procure a dirigible. Large cabin, up to date technology. The sooner the better.
- Recruit my crew. Train together to the peak of physical prowess. Become like family.
- Purchase the remaining supplies, getting “Great Value” when possible.
- Pack up and move out, setting up a comfortable living quarters in the cabin.
- Head northeast. We must, by any means necessary, stay away from California! The people in Maine will make much less terrifying ghouls than those residing on the west coast. The worst possible of all cases is a run-in with Hollywood zombies!
- If things seem bad, but controllable, stay uninvolved. Avoid contact with other uninfected as pirates will be apt to commandeer our flying fortress.
- If the situation turns desperate, go on the attack for the fate of humanity. Our training and resources may turn out to be our planet’s last hope for survival.
- Once (or if) the zombie revolution has been quashed, fly to New Zealand. I’ve heard it’s quite nice there.
So that’s my plan. Feel free to use my ideas in your own flight, just be sure not to have our airships collide! When I get back to my tablet, I’ll post an accompanying illustration gallery.
The only remaining step is to name my dirigible. I’m accepting requests. You can also volunteer for my crew if you think you have what it takes and do not listen to the Jonas Brothers.
I’ve never really been able to lock into using any GTD (getting things done) app nor a calendar system. I always try them out for a bit, but the hassles always drive me away. Not so with Potion Factory’s The Hit List. This wonderful app is easy to use, visually wonderful, and has excellent keyboard support, for maximum efficiency. Along with the incredible keyboard shortcuts, the main selling feature for me is the quick entry window, which allows you to add a fully featured task from anywhere. Of course, I’m not sure if it fully qualifies as a “selling” point as I didn’t technically “buy” it. No, no, piracy is for chumps. As you may already know, I got it for $19 less than its retail value, along with over a dozen other apps, at MacHeist, which, I might add, may just be the best bargain in the history of everything.